Those Woods Are Called Fairy Land

Below are emails between my sister, Felix's aunt, and Felix in the Fall of Felix's Freshman year at Purchase College. The reason Felix talks about a memory he already has with Auntie Sarah on the campus of Purchase College is because Felix lived on campus year-round for 5 years as a child when I was a student there. Astute readers and Felix scholars will notice another reference to bunnies, and Felix's favorite symbols in his signature line (heart and infinity).

September 4, 2007

Dear Felix

I just want you to know I am so proud and happy for you. You are so incredibly talented and gifted. I know you're going to work hard and be a great success. 

It is hard for me to not feel sadness at you leaving us again and entering a new phase of your life. The idea of someone, who I have always known as a child, growing up and moving into an adult world is very difficult to accept. When did you grow up? I'm sorry, I am being horribly sentimental.  

I wish I had been able to come down with your mum and grandparents, but Marc worked all day, so I had the kids. The boys and I took Frankie and Bekah to the playground and the town forest across from Concord High School. I have included a couple of photos. 

We all miss you very much already. I miss you more than I can say, I feel like I'll never get to spend the time with you that I always hoped to. Hopefully I'm wrong, I don't want us to grow away from each other. In some ways you'll always be the little boy I loved so much before I had my own boys. I will always be here if you need me. I love you dearly. 

Make sure you take care of yourself and STAY SAFE in everything you do!!!! Sorry, I just worry. A lot. Well, I will go now. Please send me your address as soon as you can and stay in touch. I hope we can see you soon and often.

Take care of yourself,

Your Aunt Sarah

 

 

September 9, 2007 

 Dear Auntie Sarah,

I'm sorry you couldn't come down too. Every time I walk down that strip near the dance building, I think of this memory I have of feeding bunnies with you. You woke me up and told me it was late in the morning. I got confused. LOL. Then we went and fed bunnies, and the weeds I thought were beautiful flowers were soo tall. We always had fun. I can't imagine us growing apart even if the forest of beautiful flowers becomes weeds, they're just as glorious in my mind. :)

My mailbox # is 1149. Expect to get some postcards.

The pictures are cute :) Those woods are called fairy land.

I miss you a bunch!

<3 8 Felix

 

Walking Slowly in the Cemetery

By Rebekah Parise

 Remember that time we went to the cemetery just to read the names on the stones?

I pointed in morbid glee at the stone of someone whose name was spelled the same as mine

You were more solemn than me

Taking in every letter, walking slowly, carefully

I remember you telling me you'd done this a few times before

I couldn't fathom why

Now there's a tombstone bearing your name

First and last

I hope when we are all buried and forgotten

And nobody is left to plant spring flowers

At your gravesite, there will be someone like you around

Someone walking slowly in the cemetery

  Mourning every forgotten person

 I hope they read your name

My Brother

 

By Rebekah Parise

My brother had blue eyes

He wore clothes that smelled of lavender,

And he walked fast, but always made sure

I could keep his pace.

I remember his voice, I think,

Not as well as I used to,

But I can sometimes hear it still.

I used to expect him to call,

To text me still, to show up

At the door someday.

It hurt to think he would.

But it hurts even more to

Not remember what it was like

When he would come over.

I promised him I'd always remember him,

And I do remember him, all the time

But not like I used to.

Sometimes it feels like he wasn't real.

Like he was a fictional character

In a book I really love.

I miss when he was fresh in my mind.

Seasons Passing by Frankie Parise

 

Dry summers past, and now at last, come crisp and autumn nights

Snow and rain will come again, as frozen winter bites

I feel the pain of snow and rain, the longer you're not here

That's my curse, and it just gets worse, and worse, from year to year

The lonely nights, and city lights, each time bring up your name

And every smell, sight, and sound, around me do the same

The chirping birds, the hollow words, that others like to say

It's all in vain, the fact remains, it won't take the pain away

The only thing that keeps me going, is your spirit, tried and true

Because I know you love me, and I'll always love you

Remembering Felix: A Memorial Art Exhibit

 

 

Remembering Felix

On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living- that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend’s life also, in our own, to the world.

Henry David Thoreau

Felix Brow was an artist, scenic and costume designer, and window display designer living in NY when he was diagnosed with Biphasic Pleural Mesothelioma, a cancer caused by asbestos exposure, primarily occurring in the elderly. Felix was 28 at the time of diagnosis. Felix found out that his birthday, September 26^th, was Mesothelioma Awareness Day during his 1-year battle with the disease. He vowed to not only fight to extend his own life, but work on advocacy to prevent this catastrophic, but preventable, cancer. Sadly, Felix lost his battle 1 year after his diagnosis. His friends and family continue to remember Felix and carry on his work.

This exhibit starts with Felix’s love of literature. Growing up in Concord, MA, Felix developed this love early in life. He remained well-read throughout his short life and found comfort in reading while he was ill. The first section of the exhibit is a book dedicated to Felix called Mandelbrot the Tree: A Fractal Story. It continues with Felix’s Lemony Snicket inspired Sour Sixteen “party” and his life-long love of Edward Gorey including his 12^th birthday and Brooklyn memorial service.

The next section illustrates Felix’s love of historic preservation. At the time of his death, Felix was planning on starting the Master’s in Historic Preservation program at Boston University. His BU admissions essay is displayed with his painting of an historic house in Concord that was torn down.

The next section speaks to Felix’s thoughts on Love, Infinity, and the Afterlife. It includes a journal entry he wrote years before he was diagnosed, a quilt by his grandmother, Jill Brow, and Felix’s Love Collage.

The exhibit continues with the Art & Illness section showing works of art created by Felix while he was battling terminal cancer, and continues with memorials

Remembering Felix

A Care Guide for Whoever Inherits My Brother's Soul by Rebekah Parise

 

A care guide for whoever inherits my brother's soul:

1. Sometimes in the dead of night,

You may hear singing in the silence.

The whistling of the trees may become

The voices of a thousand poets.

Listen.

2. You may find yourself taking

walks in the rain. You find solace there,

you find it in a lot of places.

Let the rain soak into your clothes

and don’t worry about getting the mud stains

out of your shoes for once.

3. If you feel that his soul is getting restless,

Pick up a brush and let him paint.

You will find that the soul can see things

The eye often cannot. Let him show you

How hyacinths can bloom in one's bright

Blue eyes, and how the sun setting

Is not the most beautiful image in the world.

You will find beauty where others cannot.

4. If his soul begins to weep, let him mourn.

He may miss the vessel he once knew.

Comfort him for me, assure him,

Let him write poetry again.

He feels so many things,

Now so will you.

5. You may go somewhere new and somehow,

Everything will seem very familiar.

He used to walk those streets, you sit in the

Coffee shops he used to sit in.

You may find yourself ordering a strong tea,

And wondering ‘why does it taste like home?’

It’s not deja vu, it’s nostalgia.

6. Lastly, I need you to promise me

That you will take care of him.

And if you ever see me, and wonder who

The girl is, staring a little too long,

Call me out, allow me to apologize,

And please let me explain that I thought I saw

A glimpse of my brother's ghost in your eyes.

Felix and Starbucks

Felix's Starbucks cup from Spoleto

Front of Felix's Starbucks cup

    

In November of 2021, Matt Williams sent me Felix's Starbucks cup that he had left in the Prop Shop for Spoleto Festival USA in Charleston SC. I was deeply appreciative to have something else of Felix's as I've felt since he died that all of his things, as well as his very essence, are floating away as if they had all been dumped out in the ocean and they're drifting farther and farther away from me as I sit in the center of it all futilely trying to hold on to whatever I can. Instantly it made me realize how much Starbucks reminds me of Felix.

Starsucks

Starbucks,

you pretentious crowd...

Starschmucks,

mumbling out loud...

Starsucks,

you killed mom and pop,

Starfucks

Felix loved coffee and coffee shops, but he didn't always love Starbucks. Above is a poem he wrote as a teenager after an awkward experience at a local Starbucks. In the years after he wrote that poem, he came back around to Starbucks but there was always a type of love/hate tension. Felix's feelings for Starbucks always seemed to be equal parts disdain, amusement, and appreciation.

An Instagram post by Felix hints at his feelings on Starbucks

As has been the case for many people, semi-famously, Starbucks employees would often come up with creative spellings for Felix's name. Felix sometimes responded with amusement and sometimes by taking offense to it.

 The last year of Felix's life, from diagnosis to his death, really solidified Starbucks as a Felix association for me. It started in May of 2018 when he started weekly chemotherapy and clinical trial treatments at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in NYC. There was a Starbucks across the street and I would order on my phone app and run across and pick up the order, especially on long chemo treatment days (every 3 weeks). We would spend hours in the chemo suite drinking our Starbucks du jour, sometimes hot and sometimes cold, laughing at whatever cooking show was on the TV (usually Pioneer Women) and the My Pillow commercials.

Holding his Starbucks 2 months into treatment

Starbucks on the counter, almost done with chemo

Can you spot his Starbucks? Last chemo treatment

When Felix was admitted to Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital in November 2018, his friend Eli and I would often pick up Starbucks as a way to bring the outside world to Felix; a way to bring some normalcy to him. It all started in early December when Eli brought us Juniper Lattes to try. I don't think any of us were big fans of the Juniper Lattes but we continued to get Starbucks. Felix loved London Fog Lattes and the tea drink called a Medicine Ball or Cold Buster.

When Felix was discharged from Memorial Hospital in early December, we both got Medicine Balls, both of us still believing that he could recover enough for further cancer treatment and willing to try anything and everything to make that happen. The fact that he was completely unable to urinate even after he drank a Venti Medicine Ball was further proof that his body wasn't working properly. That was the last Starbucks he ever had. He was discharged from Memorial, in spite of both of our repeated protests, and taken by ambulance to Mercy Medical Center on Long Island 24 hours later. He died there less than a week later.
 

It's me, I'm Felix. I've come home, I'm so cold

 A few weeks ago, I was listening to music on YouTube, as I often do, and one of the Kate Bush Wuthering Heights videos came on. It was immediately familiar, though I didn't quite know why. As I watched the video I could see Felix doing the choreography in my head along with it. I started to sob uncontrollably.

I remembered that years earlier, Felix had made a video to this song. I was sure of it. Felix loved Kate Bush, and there was something so "Felix" about the song (aside from it being the ghost of Cathy from Wuthering Heights outside Heathcliff's window).

I searched my Gmail and found a Chat from July 12, 2012 that referenced the video I remembered. I also found a Chat from July 21, 2012 in which Felix asked if his friend Liz had watched the video, and talked about one to Metallica that he had made around the same time. But I couldn't find where Felix actually shared the video with me. 

Ever since the day the video came on YouTube, I've been doing the choreography to both the video with Kate Bush in red and the video with Kate Bush in white. I have dreams of doing a flashmob at Felix's graves, and a dance piece to it with Felix's friend Patrick. Most of all, though, I want to find the video Felix made one day back in 2012.

Here is the Chat from July 12, 2012:

Felix: aw man :(

 me: i know

  the woburn one never called back

 Felix: I'm such a dork, I've been making my own music video for a kate bush song

  all day

8:51 PM me: so are you not doing the art director gig for the movie?

  i had a really good brownie from open table

  chocolate caramel pecan

  made by dancing deer

8:52 PM Felix: dancing deer is SO good

  I love thier baked goods

 me: even after the 'best but' date

  'best buy' !

8:53 PM argh

 Felix: carmel never goes bad, haha

 me: true

  even when ou find it stuck all over the kids' bedroom floor!

8:54 PM Felix: wait, have you done that?

  jk :)

 me: yes, i just had to get sugar daddy from all over the kids' floor

8:55 PM Felix: uh oh

8:56 PM me: did i tell you another naughty quail got out yesterday?

  the other quail this time

 Felix: where did it get off to?

 me: it was standing on toys in the living room

 Felix: lol

 me: chirping and cooing

  to be put back

  he was thirsty

8:57 PM Felix: crazy thing

 me: i know

  it's so funny that it was 'calling' for me to get him

9:01 PM Felix: yeah, like: "look what I did"

9:02 PM me: yeah- almost like laughing at me

  i didn't even see him at first

  i just heard him

9:03 PM and i thought it was really loud birds outside

 Felix: are they getting very much bigger?

9:04 PM me: no

 Felix: good

 me: they're the same size

  i have to put jack to sleep now

  ttyl

9:05 PM Felix: okay

  im going to send you my video in a bit

 me: hopefully it won't take too long

  cool!