A Care Guide for Whoever Inherits My Brother's Soul by Rebekah Parise

 

A care guide for whoever inherits my brother's soul:

1. Sometimes in the dead of night,

You may hear singing in the silence.

The whistling of the trees may become

The voices of a thousand poets.

Listen.

2. You may find yourself taking

walks in the rain. You find solace there,

you find it in a lot of places.

Let the rain soak into your clothes

and don’t worry about getting the mud stains

out of your shoes for once.

3. If you feel that his soul is getting restless,

Pick up a brush and let him paint.

You will find that the soul can see things

The eye often cannot. Let him show you

How hyacinths can bloom in one's bright

Blue eyes, and how the sun setting

Is not the most beautiful image in the world.

You will find beauty where others cannot.

4. If his soul begins to weep, let him mourn.

He may miss the vessel he once knew.

Comfort him for me, assure him,

Let him write poetry again.

He feels so many things,

Now so will you.

5. You may go somewhere new and somehow,

Everything will seem very familiar.

He used to walk those streets, you sit in the

Coffee shops he used to sit in.

You may find yourself ordering a strong tea,

And wondering ‘why does it taste like home?’

It’s not deja vu, it’s nostalgia.

6. Lastly, I need you to promise me

That you will take care of him.

And if you ever see me, and wonder who

The girl is, staring a little too long,

Call me out, allow me to apologize,

And please let me explain that I thought I saw

A glimpse of my brother's ghost in your eyes.

Felix and Starbucks

Felix's Starbucks cup from Spoleto

Front of Felix's Starbucks cup

    

In November of 2021, Matt Williams sent me Felix's Starbucks cup that he had left in the Prop Shop for Spoleto Festival USA in Charleston SC. I was deeply appreciative to have something else of Felix's as I've felt since he died that all of his things, as well as his very essence, are floating away as if they had all been dumped out in the ocean and they're drifting farther and farther away from me as I sit in the center of it all futilely trying to hold on to whatever I can. Instantly it made me realize how much Starbucks reminds me of Felix.

Starsucks

Starbucks,

you pretentious crowd...

Starschmucks,

mumbling out loud...

Starsucks,

you killed mom and pop,

Starfucks

Felix loved coffee and coffee shops, but he didn't always love Starbucks. Above is a poem he wrote as a teenager after an awkward experience at a local Starbucks. In the years after he wrote that poem, he came back around to Starbucks but there was always a type of love/hate tension. Felix's feelings for Starbucks always seemed to be equal parts disdain, amusement, and appreciation.

An Instagram post by Felix hints at his feelings on Starbucks

As has been the case for many people, semi-famously, Starbucks employees would often come up with creative spellings for Felix's name. Felix sometimes responded with amusement and sometimes by taking offense to it.

 The last year of Felix's life, from diagnosis to his death, really solidified Starbucks as a Felix association for me. It started in May of 2018 when he started weekly chemotherapy and clinical trial treatments at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in NYC. There was a Starbucks across the street and I would order on my phone app and run across and pick up the order, especially on long chemo treatment days (every 3 weeks). We would spend hours in the chemo suite drinking our Starbucks du jour, sometimes hot and sometimes cold, laughing at whatever cooking show was on the TV (usually Pioneer Women) and the My Pillow commercials.

Holding his Starbucks 2 months into treatment

Starbucks on the counter, almost done with chemo

Can you spot his Starbucks? Last chemo treatment

When Felix was admitted to Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital in November 2018, his friend Eli and I would often pick up Starbucks as a way to bring the outside world to Felix; a way to bring some normalcy to him. It all started in early December when Eli brought us Juniper Lattes to try. I don't think any of us were big fans of the Juniper Lattes but we continued to get Starbucks. Felix loved London Fog Lattes and the tea drink called a Medicine Ball or Cold Buster.

When Felix was discharged from Memorial Hospital in early December, we both got Medicine Balls, both of us still believing that he could recover enough for further cancer treatment and willing to try anything and everything to make that happen. The fact that he was completely unable to urinate even after he drank a Venti Medicine Ball was further proof that his body wasn't working properly. That was the last Starbucks he ever had. He was discharged from Memorial, in spite of both of our repeated protests, and taken by ambulance to Mercy Medical Center on Long Island 24 hours later. He died there less than a week later.
 

It's me, I'm Felix. I've come home, I'm so cold

 A few weeks ago, I was listening to music on YouTube, as I often do, and one of the Kate Bush Wuthering Heights videos came on. It was immediately familiar, though I didn't quite know why. As I watched the video I could see Felix doing the choreography in my head along with it. I started to sob uncontrollably.

I remembered that years earlier, Felix had made a video to this song. I was sure of it. Felix loved Kate Bush, and there was something so "Felix" about the song (aside from it being the ghost of Cathy from Wuthering Heights outside Heathcliff's window).

I searched my Gmail and found a Chat from July 12, 2012 that referenced the video I remembered. I also found a Chat from July 21, 2012 in which Felix asked if his friend Liz had watched the video, and talked about one to Metallica that he had made around the same time. But I couldn't find where Felix actually shared the video with me. 

Ever since the day the video came on YouTube, I've been doing the choreography to both the video with Kate Bush in red and the video with Kate Bush in white. I have dreams of doing a flashmob at Felix's graves, and a dance piece to it with Felix's friend Patrick. Most of all, though, I want to find the video Felix made one day back in 2012.

Here is the Chat from July 12, 2012:

Felix: aw man :(

 me: i know

  the woburn one never called back

 Felix: I'm such a dork, I've been making my own music video for a kate bush song

  all day

8:51 PM me: so are you not doing the art director gig for the movie?

  i had a really good brownie from open table

  chocolate caramel pecan

  made by dancing deer

8:52 PM Felix: dancing deer is SO good

  I love thier baked goods

 me: even after the 'best but' date

  'best buy' !

8:53 PM argh

 Felix: carmel never goes bad, haha

 me: true

  even when ou find it stuck all over the kids' bedroom floor!

8:54 PM Felix: wait, have you done that?

  jk :)

 me: yes, i just had to get sugar daddy from all over the kids' floor

8:55 PM Felix: uh oh

8:56 PM me: did i tell you another naughty quail got out yesterday?

  the other quail this time

 Felix: where did it get off to?

 me: it was standing on toys in the living room

 Felix: lol

 me: chirping and cooing

  to be put back

  he was thirsty

8:57 PM Felix: crazy thing

 me: i know

  it's so funny that it was 'calling' for me to get him

9:01 PM Felix: yeah, like: "look what I did"

9:02 PM me: yeah- almost like laughing at me

  i didn't even see him at first

  i just heard him

9:03 PM and i thought it was really loud birds outside

 Felix: are they getting very much bigger?

9:04 PM me: no

 Felix: good

 me: they're the same size

  i have to put jack to sleep now

  ttyl

9:05 PM Felix: okay

  im going to send you my video in a bit

 me: hopefully it won't take too long

  cool!

Excerpts from a Chat

 

The following is a portion of a Gmail Chat between me (his mom) and Felix while he was away at college:

	Wed, Mar 4, 2009 at 6:38 PM
5:59 PM Felix: hi, how are things? 6:03 PM me: hi 6:04 PM i'm sad   i just found out that the brother of my best friend in high school died   i don't even think he was 30 6:05 PM Felix: oh,no. I'm sorry. That's bad news  me: yeah- i think he had mesothelioma   that's that cancer you get from asbestos 6:06 PM Felix: aw, man. That sounds not good 6:07 PM me: did you get your bump checked out? 6:08 PM Felix: no, i just got food and supplies for my model   i will go tomorrow  me: you got food for your model?   are you keeping a pet model?   LOL  Felix: :) no, for me  me: oh LOL  Felix: lol 6:09 PM i have to start my model tonight, i dont think it needs to be complete though, so thats good  me: what is your model for? 6:10 PM i'm still picturing kate moss in a cage   or heidi klume  Felix: it is a design for the play "fences"   lol  me: see my new baaaah  Felix: :) 6:11 PM that would be the best   my classmates would be so jealous  me: yeah 6:12 PM did i tell you about the show martha stewart did? the pot show? i did, right?  Felix: yeah, i want to see it 6:13 PM me: i thought i had something else really funny to tell you 6:14 PM maybe it was just that story about the squirrel kitty   LOL   how is myrrah?  Felix: :)   good 6:15 PM me: we need to work on that book  Felix: she was sick for a while  me: with what?  Felix: and now her car is dead  me: mrsa?  Felix: with a cold  me: oh  Felix: no  me: i was just really sick  Felix: that was a flu? 6:16 PM me: yeah i think so, some virus   frankie is writing some stories   the lactose intolerant spy 6:17 PM Felix: cool, i want to read them  me: and the psychic secret agent   and the spy handbook   he is going to join our writing wiki to work on them 6:18 PM Felix: these sound like tv shows, he should look into that  me: good idea The "squirrel kitty" me: i was thinking it would be cool to write a play, or even a musical about La Leche League    6:20 PM Felix: yeah!    Felix: that would be fun, i think it could be like the musical "the fantasticks"  me: frankie and i made up a funny musical the other day  Felix: email again 6:21 PM me: it was a birthday party and each person kept breaking off from the action to sing about what they were really thinking    6:22 PM   Felix: thats a fun idea, That could be really funny  me: yeah   we should write that on the wiki too 6:23 PM i'm reading a great book on A.D.D.   speaking of projects that i'll probably never finish   the author runs a center in sudbury 6:24 PM Felix: hey, thats close by  me: yeah   i wish i could go and take frankie too 6:26 PM Felix: is sudbury like on the other side of bedford?  me: it borders concord 6:27 PM Felix: oh yeah, sudbury road, got it :) 6:28 PM maybe someone in concord goes 6:31 PM me: yeah   i just finished giving luke his medicine  Felix: i've been reading the town reports   oh, so he must be feeling better. 6:33 PM how are his ears looking?  me: better   which town reports?   concord? 6:34 PM Felix: concord  me: oh cool   the kids are doing the science fair  Felix: fun  me: i keep trying to get someone to do a project on breastmilk   but so far no takers 6:35 PM Felix: :) 6:36 PM what are they thinking of making? 6:37 PM me: bekah is doing a project on electricity with brownies 6:38 PM frankie is building a laser   and lillian isn't sure yet  Felix: awesome   i thought for a minute bekah was doing electric brownies   but then i realized she is a brownie   6:39 PM   me: yum electric brownies   elektra is doing a cookie project for the science fair 6:40 PM by changing ingredients  Felix: yum         6:42 PM     Felix: okay, i have to work on my model now  me: on that note   i hAVE TO GO TOO  Felix: lol  me: TTYL  Felix: bye 6:43 PM me: bye

Infinity by Rebekah Parise

You died as flowers do,
Slipped away as the moon sets,
And the sun rises.
You died as angels sing
And worshippers chant.
You died the way the rain falls,
And evaporates to become again.
You died like ancient starlight,
And circling planets,
And someday you will live again
The same way.

An Introduction by Felix

Felix homeschooled from 6th grade until he graduated from high school. The following is his introduction to one of his Oak Meadow distance learning school teachers.

Friday, May 19, 2006 at 5:05pm

Hi. My name is Felix. I forget how many siblings I have but I know there's a lot. I live in my room with my roommate Kathy-Jo. She is a mannequin. I like to eat chocolate, play at the playground, play dress-up, take pictures, run around town with my friends, roll on the floor, have laughing fits, make clothes, make movies, trade clothes with my friends, bother my mom, causing trouble/drama, parties, dancing, listening to music really loud, designing buildings or anything, run around the city with my friends and go shopping, being crazy, flirt, tech plays, snow boarding, mountain biking, and like a lot more. For music I like Bjork and The Dresden Dolls and Fiona Apple and Marilyn Manson and No Doubt and lots of other bands. Oh yeah, I like science and biology. It's fun! Plus, I'm not as bad at it as I am at most other things. Well I want to go roller skating outside now. OH wait I forgot to mention how much I like yard sales and junk. I LOVE JUNK!

Felix's Sour Sixteen Party

For his 16th birthday party, Felix decided to have a Sour Sixteen theme, He wanted it to be the death of childhood so that he could emerge into his adult life (in reality Felix always kept pieces of his childhood with him).

To convey his concept, he chose to have a mock funeral with speakers, music and a eulogy. To invite guests (mourners) to his party (funeral), he wrote up the following:

Felix Brow –Westbrook died unexpectedly Sept 25 Sunday; he would have turned 16 the next day. Felix will always be remembered as strange and a person that used to be alive, but definitely is not! Doing things is what he liked best. He did lots of things at places and on the way accomplished absolutely nothing. He was survived by lots of people, who might not know it, which in doing so they did something for Felix that he could not do for himself, LIVE. They live now until soon, like Felix, they will die, but until then he may or may not remain in their memories as a person that did things. A wake will be held in his honor Sept 25 Sunday, the same day he died. Mourners will dress in black and maybe wear veils and umbrellas. The wake could be decorated in flowers and funeral dirges could be listened to at a funeral.

Felix proved to be an unruly "corpse" and provided, often discontented, commentary about the memories being shared.

Gift Ideas or Whatever

Felix Christmas 2006

So many of my memories of Felix revolve around the winter holidays, Thanksgiving to New Year's. He was diagnosed with Biphasic Pleural Mesothelioma on December 20, 2017 and had to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in the hospital. While preparing for the 2nd Christmas without him, a year after his death, I came across this email from him from December 20, 2006 when he was 17 years old. It's his Christmas list, and it's so Felix. It's amazing how much of it was still stuff he loved. The title of this blog post is the subject of that email.











Hi mom,

I can't send pictures of my house right now because I don't know where the thingy is but I can give you some ideas for Christmas gifts.

For clothes I like tight jeans and trousers size 26 or 27. shirts small. I need some cute knit mittens in a neutral color. I could also use a sweater, not a huge one. actually, sweaters would be awesome. I don't have any. I like cable knit ones with interesting designs knit into the sweater. Think sorta old man like clothes. The colors I like for clothes are neutrals, browns, taupes, dark blue, very light colors, any earthy colors. I lost all my blue sapphire earring studs so I need more. I'll keep better track of them this time. I want to have 8 going up my ear. Oh, I always love a belt or a buckle. I have found that I am a size nine in shoes not a nine and a half. I like Vans and old looking shoes and I could use some boots that my feet aren't swimming in, old lace up ones. Oh, and knee socks. Knit ones.

I like small fun things right now, like stickers and temporary tattoos and charms or just any mini thingy. I like little containers. I like blank books without spiral spines. I like postcards and stationary, small but meaningful is good or old. Oh, and yarn, lots of yarn, same colors as clothing, maybe a little brighter. I would love to have sheet music of oldies. I would also like that Dresden Dolls book. I like Dresden Dolls merchandise. Any merchandise from old bands I like would be cool too like Jefferson Airplane, Janis Joplin, The Doors, Mamas and Papas, old bands like that. Like shirts and stuff. I like cute plants and herbs. NO CACTUS! If I had a planter box I would love to grow herbs and pretty plants in it or just have potted plants for my house and they have to be in planters that are black earthy or dark green or brown. I like witchy supplies and books.

For beauty products I like really natural stuff without sodium lauryl sulfate or whatever it's called. I need washes that are balanced, not too acidic, not too base. Facial masks are awesome. Travel sized lotions I like or any other lotion that smells hippieish. Maybe something lilac or clove or a scent that matches my astrological sign. I like astrological stuff. I can always use wax strips, the Sally Hanson ones. And aromatic oils are nice. I like clove oil stuff. I like lily as a scent. Oh, and lip balm. I like red eye liner. Oh, and I like that Burt's Bees cover up or some tinted moisturizer that's neutral, in pale tones. Henna would be fun.

I'm kinda tired of this. Hope it helped.

love, felix